this time it's personal

I started writing this yesterday and thought I'd go back an edit it a bit. After having yet another pregnancy test come up negative this morning though I feel too blue to change anything.

It's pouring down rain outside. Like torrential rain with thunder. But the girls are all asleep and I am drinking a cup of tea and eating ginger cookies so I actually like it. Here's a little about our ttc story (that's trying-to-conceive in the creepy world of pregnancy forums.) We planned to use a friend of ours as a donor and we planned to start in May of 2008. Neither happened. The donor freaked at the last minute and stopped returning our phone calls. Finances were a little stressful so we put it on hold for another year. Last May we were finally ready to go the route of Sperm Bank. We chose a non-profit in the East Bay which is about a 30 min drive from home. Donor catalogs are available online and for free. Go snoop if you're curious. You get a pretty good amount of information such as: height, weight, hair color and texture, eye color, skin color, month/year of birth, college major, current employment and family medical history. You can also read a short interview with questions like ability to speak foreign languages, play musical instruments and artistic/athletic interest. All the donors are required to answer why they chose to be a donor. Additionally you have access to the interviewer's notes which I felt were more telling than any other part. They comment on the personal style, speech, and overall sociability of the interviewee.
This is such a bizarre way to pick a biological parent for your child. It's easier than dating though. Ha! At first we had strong opinions about the donor being musical, having features somewhat close to Cristina's and I wanted someone on the tall lean side since my genes are all short and stumpy. Ultimately though, the only requirement that we stuck with is that the donor be willing to be known to the child when he/she turns 18. As parents we won't be allowed to seek the bio dad out, but if our child feels it's something they want, they'll have access to his information. The bank recommended we choose 3-4 donors since they aren't always available and it's better to try a few if it takes awhile. We've tried 3 so far. In case you are wondering, this bank limits the number of children per donor to 10 families (that seems like a lot, but it's fewer than most) and we can meet half siblings if we want to. I don't know yet, will we want to?

I never thought this would be the way I'd be trying to get pregnant. I guess no one does, but I thought I was straight until I met Cristina. She wasn't sure she wanted kids so we avoided the topic for the first year or two. I've always known I wanted to be a mom, like from about the age of 2 it was obvious, so we really had to talk about it before we could get too serious in the relationship. Luckily her two nephews are adorable and easy going and Allison has adored her from day 1- these three kids had a lot to do with why we are trying to be parents now.